Take a moment to reflect on this morning. What was your first thought when you awoke? If you are like many people, it was, ?I did not get enough sleep last night.? It is also likely that your last thought as you prepare to go to sleep each night is, ?I did not accomplish enough today.? If you are frequently beginning and ending most days with these ?not enough? thoughts, you might have difficulty engaging in positive thinking throughout each day. Your thoughts about all the things in your life that are ?not enough? may lead to feeling that you are not enough.
Our culture is filled with messages that feed this ?not enough? mindset. There are expectations that in order to be enough, you have to be the best, work the hardest, and achieve the most. This idea that the ordinary is not enough cultivates dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
Replacing your ?not enough? thinking with positive thinking will improve your satisfaction and feelings of happiness. This process starts with a shift in perspective.
Circumstances have a lot less control over your emotions than you might realize. Your emotions, including feelings of happiness, are closely connected to your thoughts. Positive thinking leads to positive emotions. A key to increasing positive thinking about yourself and your experiences is gratitude.
Gratitude is more than saying, ?thank you,? to a stranger for holding the door open. Gratitude is a state of being ? a lifestyle. Living in a state of gratitude means recognizing that you do have control of your thoughts and choosing to trade in your, ?not enough? thinking, for ?enough? thinking. Gratitude is choosing to say, ?this is good, because?,? or, ?I am doing well, because??
Mindfully choosing to practice gratitude will increase contentment, reducing ?not enough? thinking which traps people in shame and feelings of inadequacy. Gratitude provides freedom from feelings of shame and inadequacy and allows you to begin thinking positively about yourself and your circumstances.
The Free Dictionary defines Anxiety as ?a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.?
Everyone has experienced anxiety and it?s closely related cousins, worry and doubt. These are unavoidable. Sometimes negative self talk, worry, and doubting thoughts that anxiety brings on can be overwhelming. The multitude of thoughts and feelings that invade our mind about different situations or events are called ?racing thoughts.? For those enduring anxiety, the race never slows.
I experienced anxiety just before I took the National Counselors Exam. This exam is a licensing requirement for all wannabe counselors seeking professional licensing. It?s a grueling 200 multiple choice question exam. This exam covers the different aspects of the field of counseling. Everything from graduate school, my internship and graduation pointed to this exam. If I wanted to take the next step in my career, I had to pass this test.
I had spent a few months preparing and studying for the exam. Despite my efforts to be ready for the exam, I experienced a lot of those negative thoughts. I worried about the future if I didn?t pass. In my mind, all the school and hard work I did would mean nothing if I didn?t pass. Sleep was elusive that weekend. The day before the exam, I had gone out to the cemetery where my sister and grandparents are buried. They have a pond and usually it’s very quiet. I went up there to pray and meditate for a bit. But wouldn’t you know. Maintenance was going on and the noise of machinery got in the way of my quiet time.
I was as ready for this exam as I was going to be. But anxiety still continued to be present. The exam was the hardest I had taken to date. I kept thinking while I was answering questions that I was surely going to fail. This test was a struggle and there were a few concepts on there I had never heard of before as it pertained to theory. When I finished, I spent the minutes trying to think how I was going to break the news to my wife that I didn’t pass. I took that sheet that the proctor printed out for me and folded it in half. It was the results. I finally looked at it in the car. I passed. I stared at it in disbelief. Anxiety faded to black.
As a counselor, I have worked with many clients that struggle with anxiety. My anxiety was situational but for some, their battle with anxiety is non-stop. But there are ways to cope and fight anxiety. One way is practicing stillness. In our world, finding time to be still and in the moment is difficult. But it is not impossible.
According to the Free Dictionary online, Stillness is “An absence of motion or disturbance: calm, calmness, hush, lull, peace, peacefulness, placidity, placidness, quiet, quietness, serenity, tranquility, untroubledness.” Many of these descriptive words found in this definition elude anxiety sufferer without help or intervention. Did you know that those that struggle with anxiety have a difficult time with shutting down and just being still? Shutting down means we are attempting to do nothing. When was the last time you went for ?nothing.? We must withdrawal, at least for a short period, from the world. Jesus was proactive in this. When He was in ministry, there were times he withdrew from the people to find a quiet place and have fellowship and prayer with His Father. But most of us have a hard time in just shutting down.
Practicing stillness gives the mind and body a chance to be at total rest and heal from daily stresses.
Mother Teresa said this of stillness and knowing God:
“We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature?trees, flowers, grass?grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence? .We need silence to be able to touch souls.”
God does moves in mysterious ways. In some instances, God may want to give you a word or commune with you. Not through the noise of this world, our racing thoughts or even the revelation of His Divine, awesome and wondrous power but in a moment of silence that brings out His “still small voice.” If we fail to here it, it could be because we have not found the quiet in our soul to listen to His words.
Maybe that’s the lesson we can all learn. How do we just sit still? We must mindfully practice stillness. This also means the millions of thoughts that bombard our minds daily need to decrease and the never-ending ideas and thoughts need to be silenced.
3 Benefits To Being Still
What are the benefits of practicing stillness? Author, motivator and mentor Michael Hyatt believes that there are three key advantages to being still. I happen to agree with him.
- I want to maintain perspective. If I don?t make time to be still, then I find myself in reactive mode?influenced by hundreds of little voices with big demands.
- I want to stay connected to my true self. I don?t want to get confused, thinking that I am the image I present to the world. They are related, of course, but I want to live from the inside out.
- I want more internal margin in my life. While I have been pursuing external margin in my calendar and finances, I also want internal margin?more room to notice what matters most and be thankful for it.
If you decide that you want to explore this you have to plan for it. This can’t be some random spur of the moment kind of thing. Make it an event. Here are few ideas on how to ready your self.
- Set a time and place. I rarely experience this kind of quiet and stillness at home. I usually experience when I get a massage or an energy session. If that?s not your thing, perhaps it’s going for a walk in nature. Or maybe its just getting away from your standard routine of a busy life. When I was a senior in high school, I went skiing for my first time in Utah. I recall my first brush with stillness came on the ski lift going up the mountain. It was quiet and one of the most peaceful experiences I have had. Going up the mountain was amazingly serine. However, going down it in my first experience of skiing…um…not so much. Kind of painful and a lot of falling!
- Relax your body. Find a comfortable spot where you just let your body go. Deep breathing exercises and learning to practice progressive muscle relaxation techniques can prepare the body and mind to relax.
- Quiet your mind. This is perhaps the most difficult. One technique I teach to clients is visualizing a shape like a sphere in their mind. In my mind it looks like a silver marble. Focusing on that, its shape and texture, weight and color often clears my mind of other thoughts. My entire mental energy is living in that moment of this sphere. This is a therapeutic technique called grounding. Grounding allows us to stay present and in the moment. Usually, it takes 2-5 minutes to eliminate or diminish the racing thoughts. I have used grounding techniques such as visualizing shapes in a clients mind to create focus. Focus allows us to be present in the moment. That leads to the next point.
- Staying present. Hyatt says staying present allows you to not “be regretting or celebrating the past. Don?t be worrying or dreaming about the future. Instead, collect your thoughts and be present?in this moment. It is the most important time you have. In fact, it is the only time you have.”
If you find yourself enduring racing thoughts, doubt and worry. I would love the opportunity to work with you on how to find those moments of stillness, peace and clarity. Contact me today at Armstrong Family Counseling to set up an appointment.
Why do you do what you do?
My main goal is to connect with people, build real authentic relationships & participate in a journey of change together! I encourage my clients to be authentic, transparent and assertive in getting their needs met. I feel genuine satisfaction and gain energy after every session. This is honestly my dream job.
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What makes therapy with you unique?
I use humor and laughter to break barriers with clients. I am easy going and I understand that life happens. My goal is for therapy to be enjoyable and something people can look forward to instead of dread! I use unique ways to connect with clients-art, music, games, role play?whatever is needed to keep it fresh and engaging.
What is a therapy session with Lauren like?
I use mindfulness meditation strategies at the beginning of every session to help patients relax and be in the moment. I love many different modalities, specifically I use DBT tools, CBT, SFBT, ACT, EFT and EMDR to assist my clients with problem solving, process trauma, reduce misery and improve their quality of life.
I love to play games, do collages, make playlists and other strategies to keep therapy fun and interesting. I enjoy connecting with clients in the group setting as well, engaging with each individual, as well as helping the group become cohesive and work towards similar goals.
What makes you, you?
I am a musician and often incorporate the feelings that are created by music into therapy. I enjoy utilizing music as expression. I also am a photographer and enjoy making clients laugh and smile throughout their wedding/engagement sessions because capturing joy is a passion of mine. I play volleyball weekly, sing karaoke, travel whenever I can and use those hobbies and experiences to help my clients understand different avenues where they can express themselves or build mastery. I have lost a parent and have experienced grief/loss first hand, so I use that knowledge to truly connect with those who are suffering from loss.
How does your specific skill set benefit your clients?
After working with me (or during) I help my clients feel and more importantly, assist them with accepting things they can?t change, feel in touch and in control of their emotions, develop healthy and happy relationships and feel a sense of fulfillment & mastery.
I am a therapist because I believe therapy is a tool that God created to heal the broken-hearted. I believe that this is a broken world and sin often leaves trauma in its wake. As a therapist, my goal is to work with families to break the family cycle of trauma. Trauma impacts people of every age, race, gender, religion, or socioeconomic status. Too often, I?ve seen people minimize their own trauma or the trauma of others. Minimizing the travesty of trauma does not help the healing process and can lead trauma victims have low self-esteem due to belief that they have little or no worth.
I love this quote that I came across on twitter last year, ?Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. Stop comparing traumas, stop belittling yours or anyone else?s traumas just because it wasn?t ?as bad? as someone else?s. This isn?t a competition. We all deserve support & recovery? @jesssxb
My goal as a therapist is to provide support and recovery to victims of trauma so that they can learn to know their own worth and view themselves as worthy of growth, positive change, and a healthy life.
I cater my approach to individual client needs. I find that depending on the therapy approach that is most appropriate to the client, there are often pre-existing exercises/worksheets that are evidence based. I naturally have a DBT therapy style, but am eager to continue to grow in the use of models which come less naturally to me as no therapy approach fits every client?s needs. I have had training in Motivational Interviewing which is based in the Transtheoretical Model of Change. Motivational interviewing is incredibly helpful for helping individuals make difficult changes and stick with those changes.
As an adolescent I struggled with a lot of insecurity and depression. I was raised in a legalistic Christian home where I learned all about God?s wrath, and nothing about his mercy and love. I felt trapped in my own imperfection and was certain that perfection was the only acceptable lifestyle due to my family culture. This caused a lot of feelings of worthlessness and led to deep depression. I was blessed to be part of a great youth group at my church where I had a mentor and healthy mother figure who poured a lot of prayer, time, and love into me. God used her in my life to show me that the perfection I was striving toward was crippling me and keeping me from genuine growth.
As I began to believe that I have value and worth, I found myself wanting to empower other women to break free from their own insecurity and low self-esteem. When I was working toward my bachelor of social work degree, I worked in a restaurant. I recommended to a coworker that she should go home after work and write down ten things she likes about herself because she I observed that she had little to no sense of self-worth. I learned years later that she actually did so and it began her own journey of increasing her self-esteem. I have met very few women that do not experience shame/guilt for not meeting societal expectations. I have also seen the ripple effect that occurs when women empower other women to improve their core beliefs about themselves and the world.
A personal philosophy I have is the butterfly in the cocoon. The caterpillar typically has spun a cocoon around themselves, and are struggling and fighting to change (fighting their existence of being a caterpillar, fighting the environment, fighting the metamorphosis itself). If someone tears open the cocoon the butterfly will die. The caterpillar must do the work to change and become the beauty the lies within. They may not understand who they are as a caterpillar, they may not know how to change, they may not have an environment that is safe for them to change, they may fear or not believe they can become a butterfly.
As a therapist I want to assist in understanding of self, to define desires or goals, to encourage and support change and work toward goals, to give tools and interventions, to provide information and education, and to celebrate the butterfly.
As we’ve recently celebrated Father?s Day, I was reminded that the purpose of Father?s Day is to acknowledge all fathers and celebrate their special day. However, if your family has been impacted by divorce, it may not seem like a celebration. If this sounds like your situation, it may feel extremely stressful for you, your ex, and your children. If you are a mother, please remember you are normally the first person your child bonds with. Therefore, you can assume a positive role of modeling how to respect their father, no matter how you may feel about him (unless he was abusive and safety is a concern.) I would ask the same type of respect from him on Mother?s Day.
By having an open dialogue with your ex, your communication models how you have set aside any negative feelings toward the father(s) of your children because you know that is best for your child or children. Depending on the ages of your child/children, volunteer to take them to a card store so they can choose a Father?s Day card. Or, if that isn?t in your budget, suggest that they make a card.
If your child/children express an interest in giving dad a gift, again, follow through with their idea. If finances are an issue, once again, encourage them to make something for dad. Even if you have negative feelings toward their father, by helping them with these tasks, you are modeling for them how to ?care? for another human being.
Allow your children to spend Father?s Day with their dad on his special day. Try to do this no matter what is outlined in your parenting plan (if you don?t have a parenting plan or need to revise it and don?t want to pay for an attorney or the cost of going to court, consider contacting a mediator to help you resolve any conflicts or to assist you in making changes to the plan.) Flexibility and mutual consideration as co-parents makes your children much healthier emotionally and mentally.
If geography or travel logistics are an issue in bringing together your children and their father, suggest using social media so they can ?see each other.? Depression, loneliness and isolation are common in divorced or estranged parent(s.) If you experience these things frequently, please contact a therapist and /or seek help. I can help you. Your children need you in their lives.
Fathers, you need to ask your ex-spouse and/or the mother of your children for what you need. Maybe you (father) would really like your child/children to spend Father?s Day and an additional day since school is out for the summer. If you and your ex can communicate and practice being flexible, you are less likely to feel resentful.
For both parents, even though you are divorced, remember to stay focused on the needs and well-being of your child/children. It is crucial to plan ahead for holidays or other ?special? days so your child/children see that even though you are divorced, both of you are co-parenting in healthy ways.
If you are struggling with co-parenting, or other issues, mediation may be something to consider. Mediation is a more peaceful, economical resolution to resolve conflict. Please contact me. I am a therapist and a?Kansas State Supreme Court Approved Mediator.? Let’s start rebuilding your relationships today!
There is an old proverb, ?Confession is good for the soul?. ?But is it really?
It sounds odd but can talking with somebody make you feel better? ?It can and it does. But why does it work? Why can just something as simple as talking about something that you are worried about, or feel guilty about make you feel better and less stressed?
To understand that question you have to understand how memory storage in our brains work. ?Doctors as far back as the 1890?s have recognized some memories fade into nothing and some memories resist that fading away. ?Mostly the memories that won?t fade are ones that are charged with emotions.
Simply, there is a part of us that feels and there is a part of us that thinks. ?Generally, we want to keep these things in balance. However, in life when we are scared, worried, guilty or sad we feel those emotions strongly. ?When your feelings are strong it diminishes your capacity to think; especially, your ability to say what you are feeling.
Have you ever seen a parent tell their screaming child to ?use your words?? ?The parent instinctively recognizes that a child has to calm down and talk before they can stop being hysterical. That is because when the part of your brain that feels gets overwhelmed your body will actually shut down parts of itself in order to conserve fuel. ?When the ?fight or flight? part of your mind is triggered, energy is diverted from other parts of your brain?systems in order to give you energy to fight of run. One area that is impacted?is your ability to think rationally. ?
So, let?s say you got in an argument that escalated. Or that you made a mistake at work and are scared you will be fired for it. ?So, in that moment you are feeling strong emotions instead of thinking.? If you do not communicate with anyone about it, after your emotions have calmed down, you will be putting that memory into the bookshelf of your mind with an emotional charge.
So what does an emotionally charged memory do? ?An emotionally charged memory is one that when you think about that memory you feel that emotion all over again. So you could be lying in your bed after having had a great day but start thinking about something from your past and BAM! Right there in your bed you feel what you felt then. ?Despite the fact that you just a moment ago felt at peace with the world. That is an emotionally charged memory.
Going back to the initial question, why does talking help you feel better?? Because in order to take the charge out of a memory you have add thought to that memory.? ?Remember that you both think and feel.? A memory that is all feeling and no thinking will remain a charged memory.? But when you talk about the past, especially when you think about what you were feeling and why, it helps add thought to that memory . ?A memory that has thought and feeling in it a memory that can be put on the bookshelf of your mind and just fade into the thousands of other memories there.
When you talk to someone who influences you to think about why you felt what you felt it can make that emotional charge go away which feels wonderful. ?This is why the whole practice of counseling even exists. To help people remember their past without feeling what they felt in the past.
Do you feel that you are haunted by your past? ?Do you feel that there are things in your past that you will never get over?? Let’s get together. I can help you move forward. Contact me today!
Remember the song ?Danger Zone? from the movie Top Gun? I loved that movie, and the Kenny Loggins song is a must for any retro fan. In the movie, the song was the perfect soundtrack for those flying scenes, as the pilots pushed their aircraft to the limits and beyond?into the danger zone, where the engines could stall or worse. It was a perilous place to be.
Serious mountain climbers know about the ?death zone.? On Mount Everest and some of the other highest peaks in the world, once a climber reaches about 26,000 feet, the amount of oxygen is insufficient to sustain human life. Many climbers have died because they weren?t properly prepared or didn?t have enough oxygen with them.
Most of us will probably never climb into a fighter jet cockpit or attempt to summit the world?s tallest mountain, but there is another danger zone where we dads often find ourselves with our families: the comfort zone. I like being in the comfort zone. It?s free of stress and the craziness of life that is so often around me at home. Some might call this my ?happy place.? There are times that we need an oasis where we can drown out life around us and find peace and serenity. But if we want what?s best for our families, the comfort zone is a place we are never meant to stay for very long.
When I first got married, I married not only my wife but also her family, which included two boys in their mid to late teens. For a while I had a hard time building a relationship with them. I?d get home from work in the evening and they?d usually be in the living room, watching a television show I didn?t get or couldn?t care less about. It was much easier for me to get my dinner and retreat into the more comfortable sanctuary of my bedroom. I could read a book or watch TV and I didn?t have to engage with them unless it was on my terms.
At the time, I thought: What was the point? I couldn?t relate to them and they certainly couldn?t relate to me, at least on the surface. Clearly, I was missing the point. I was off in my comfort zone, and I wasn?t going to be intentional about being a dad to them.
My wife LeeAnn was so patient with me, and every now and then she would enter my serene hideaway and remind me that I didn?t marry just her, but also two boys she loved deeply. If I wanted to develop a better relationship with them, I had to leave the Comfort Zone. I had to engage them.
That word ?engage? has transformed who I am as a father. This didn?t happen overnight, and there were starts and stops as I kept fighting off selfishness and the desire to go back to the Comfort Zone. But then one day my father-in-law gave me advice on how to be intentional as a dad. He said that if I wanted to become closer to the children, I had to drop the labels?quit thinking of them as my stepsons and foster daughters but rather as my sons and daughters. I had to stop labeling myself as a step dad and foster dad, and just be dad. He said the labels that we use often create distance and give those of us that are not biological dads an excuse to keep that separation.
I had to stop labeling myself as a step dad and foster dad, and just be dad.
He was right. While an attorney might say that, from a legal perspective, step and foster kids are the correct wording, I have grown past that and see them as my children, for as long as God allows them in my life. Several months ago, we decided after 5 years of fostering, to take a break. It was good for our marriage, and last year, I discovered a whole new zone: The Grandparent Zone. Our youngest son and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Now I get to learn to just be grand-dad!
Being an engaged dad means being hands-on and enthusiastically involved in your children?s lives. It?s getting to know them on their level and being consistent in letting them know you are there. It also means that as they get older you are coaching them and modeling how to live by your actions and how you live. An example of this is how they see you handle conflict or adversity and perhaps more important, how you treat your spouse or their mother. Believe me, your young ones are watching.
You can?t do these things by being in your comfort zone. That sends a whole other message that says ?Leave me alone,? or ?You?re not worth my time.?
That sounds cruel, doesn?t it? Yet our country is full of disengaged fathers. I see it in the neighborhood we live in, and as a foster dad, I see it in the families of the girls we work with. Many dads are physically absent, others are present but emotionally distant, and some have hurt their kids so much that they aren?t allowed to be around and in their life.
Engaged fathers and father figures really do make a difference. Since I have left my Comfort Zone as a dad, my relationships with both of my stepsons are vastly improved. Things are far from easy, but they can see that I?m more interested in them and many more activities and conversations have had positive results.
Do your relationships with your children need a transformation? Be an intentional, hands-on dad. You will make mistakes here and there, but you will also learn from them. Embrace your role as a father and make a difference in the lives of other kids. Close up shop on the Comfort Zone.
Even now, I have days when the comfort zone is awfully tempting. But I rely on my faith, my patient and loving wife, and other dads who encourage me.
Just Get Out of the Comfort Zone. Just Be DAD.
***Michael French is a father in Kansas City, a Christian Relationship expert at Armstrong Family Counseling, and was a top 5 finalist in the National Center for Fathering 2014 Kansas City?Father of the Year Contest. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor & has been blogging about his experiences at his website?Dads Unite. Mike has been married to LeeAnn for 10 years and has two grown stepsons and one adopted daughters.?
“Is choosing to separate the best option for me?” Choosing to separate in a marriage is never an easy decision to make. ?It is my hope that by reading this article you can gain some perspective on the topic of separation. ?A separation is different from a divorce in that you and your spouse will still legally share all parental and financial responsibilities. ?Also separations tend to have many different flavors. Here are the 3 most common types.?
The Working Separation
In a working separation the couple separates in order to spend time improving themselves. ?Maybe a spouse has a mental health issue they are working on, or perhaps one spouse has an addiction they need to focus on. ?Working separations are best when there is an informal agreement between the two partners. This agreement will ideally have an explanation as to what issue needs to be worked on, who will take care of the kids and other responsibilities, what limits or boundaries are placed on communication (we?ll only communicate through text or email, or no communication for 2 months, etc.) and on what grounds will reconciliation take place. Working separations have the highest chance of resulting in reconciliation. If you think this is the type of separation you are looking for please contact a therapist or counselor–like myself--and draw up this contract with their input and guidance.
The Trial Separation
A trial separation is when one or more persons in the marriage express a desire to try what being single feels like. ?The idea is that the person is given time to ?clear their head.? Afterwards they will then decide on whether or not to pursue reconciliation. One person generally will move out, either to another part of the house or to another place all together. ?Trial separations most commonly occur in families without young children.
These separations have a high rate of ending in divorce because most people leave a marriage when the pain and frustration are so high that staying seems impossible. ?Then,when they leave they find that being single has less pain and frustration then being married and make the jump to divorce.
The Legal Separation
This option is pursued most often when a marriage has become stale and anemic; there is little good in the marriage but also little frustration also. ?The couple may stay together for the sake of the children or because they both feel that becoming single is not attractive.
Whatever type of separation you are considering please understand that separation is a matter of last resort. ?Typically, divorce is the result of separation far, far more often than reconciliation. That being said if you separate when your pain and frustration haven?t yet caused you to give up there is a better chance of reconciliation afterward compared to waiting until you have one foot out the door.
If you or someone you know are going through a situation and you are contemplating separation or divorce, contact me today. I can help you work through your issues and come up with a plan that is best for your unique situation and relationship.
Should I stay, or should I leave?? After an affair, an injured partner?faces this question.? It?s never easy, and there is no one size fits all solution.
Experiencing the infidelity of a partner can be so painful.? It can make you believe you are losing your mind, and your life, as you have known it.? Infidelity creates a sudden upheaval in everything you believed?about your spouse, about yourself, and about your future.? Several couples are unable to remain intact, and will move to end the relationship.? But what if you aren?t yet sure, or want a different outcome?
Many areas in your relationship will need to be addressed, and it can be difficult to know where to start.? If you are choosing to stay in your relationship, here are a few suggestions to help you and your partner repair, rebuild and reconnect.
Staying in a relationship, following an affair, requires addressing all of the changes that have occurred because of it.? Changes, especially those we didn?t personally want or choose, can come with very strong negative feelings.? Its important these feelings are acknowledged, and by both partners.
There is usually no shortage of hurt and anger, and you may find conflict has become your main method of communicating.?? Hurt can manifest itself in several ways.? Anger tends to be one that is most commonly used, however, anger rarely comes alone.
Betrayed, sad, lost, scared, alone, confused, resentful, and vulnerable are just a few likely to surface.? Each relationship is unique, however, and so are the feelings that come with it.? Identify the feelings, as well as the underlying fears, insecurities, and loss the affair has created.? This helps focus your communication and creates a deeper understanding of the hurt and anger.?
Repair focuses on understanding our individual reaction to the affair, as well as recognizing that trust and friendship have now been called into question.? To address the loss of trust and friendship, it?s crucial to actively practice being a better friend.? This may seem obvious, but can often be overlooked in our everyday routine.
Learn what circumstances currently trigger negative feelings and/or conflict. Take action to correct these situations, and practice generating positive feelings instead.? Be mindful of your daily exchanges and build an atmosphere of comfort, kindness and consideration.? This creates a more neutral environment, and a neutral environment naturally reduces extra day-to-day conflict.? I?m sure you will agree that any way you can reduce conflict, will be of great benefit to you.
Consider actions such listening without interruption.? It sounds simple, but isn?t always so easy.? You can also defuse your environment by helping out with routines and daily activities, being considerate in your living space, giving genuine compliments, paying attention, and checking in with your partner about how they are doing. If you aren?t already taking these actions, then this is a great opportunity to demonstrate care for your partner.? With repetition and consistency, over time you share connections, and develop a sense of security.? This helps to repair the trust, and sets the course for?you to rebuild your friendship.
The level of friendship between partners is a significant indicator for success in a relationship.? The stronger your friendship connection, the higher your relationship success.
When your relationship began, together you created a vision of hopes, dreams and goals you planned to work towards.? This includes houses,?children, careers, vacations, lifestyle goals, and the timeline for achieving them.?? An affair is not typically part of this vision, and can lead the injured partner to question: Have we really been working toward the same goal all along?
This question can lead to uncertainty about your future, and in need of confirmation about what the future holds.? Address this uncertainty?by communicating your intent to stay together, as frequently as?needed.? Be honest and clear about what you want going forward, and?encourage your spouse to do the same.
Communicate your boundaries and expectations going forward.? As you?make these adjustments, you establish a clear vision of the future?while also reassuring your partner of your intent to stay together.?You are mending a friendship.? By consistently addressing the?uncertainty you demonstrate caring for your partner.? By sharing and re-negotiating expectations and goals, you establish a plan for being?together. Both are needed to encourage your friend to remain your?friend.
As we have all heard, time heals.?? But while you allow time to work,?this is the time to take active steps to build more closeness with?your partner.? Even if you and your partner are managing to get along,?life can manage to shake things up at any time.
Acknowledge Landmines.? Reminders of the affair, or that affairs exist?are similar to landmines.? You never know when or where they may be?hiding, but when you find them they blow up your whole day, week or?even longer.? A song on the radio, a scene in a movie or TV show.?Maybe a news article, mention of a city, or specific location connected to the infidelity.? These and many more not only can, but?unavoidably will also pop up.
When landmines show up the emotional response can feel just as strong?as the day the affair was discovered.? These experiences are, to say?the least, uncomfortable, and the straying partner may feel that?talking about them would be poking the emotional bear.
You or your partner may want to avoid, minimize, or even ignore them,?but don?t.? As awkward or uncomfortable as these situations may be,?they are actually opportunities for partners to share and understand?the ongoing impact of the infidelity, and then work through the hurt?together.? Emphasis on together.
The injured partner will be faced with landmines on sometimes a daily?basis.? Dealing with them alone can make your partner feel alone, not?understood, and uncared for.? These feelings will no doubt defeat your?goal of coming closer together, and will only create further distance?between you.? Working through these feelings together allows you the?opportunity to heal together rather than separate and alone.? It can?prove comforting when your partner is considerate of this, and is?willing to consistently demonstrate caring and support.
Working together through an affair takes time and a great deal of?patience.? The challenge of addressing the damage when our hurt and?defensiveness is high can be overwhelming, and at times seem?impossible to overcome.? Finding ways to reconnect with your partner?can be difficult or at times may not be well received.?
Practice patience, with yourself and with your partner.? Unfortunately?there is no timeline or rule book for exactly how you will find your?way back to each other.? At times you may want to speed up the?process, only to find a new bump in the road.?Rest assured this is truly a situation where persistence and?consistency pay off.? Stick with it, and you can get the results you?are looking for.
If you have dealt with this or are dealing with this, reach out to me. I can help you. I specialize in relationships. Don’t wait another day to start healing!