BY: Angela Lake, MA, LPC, NCC | Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Specialist, Trauma, Parenting, & Relationship Expert
Couples therapy / Infidelity / Marriage / Relationship
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Should I stay, or should I leave?? After an affair, an injured partner?faces this question.? It?s never easy, and there is no one size fits all solution.
Experiencing the infidelity of a partner can be so painful.? It can make you believe you are losing your mind, and your life, as you have known it.? Infidelity creates a sudden upheaval in everything you believed?about your spouse, about yourself, and about your future.? Several couples are unable to remain intact, and will move to end the relationship.? But what if you aren?t yet sure, or want a different outcome?
Many areas in your relationship will need to be addressed, and it can be difficult to know where to start.? If you are choosing to stay in your relationship, here are a few suggestions to help you and your partner repair, rebuild and reconnect.
Staying in a relationship, following an affair, requires addressing all of the changes that have occurred because of it.? Changes, especially those we didn?t personally want or choose, can come with very strong negative feelings.? Its important these feelings are acknowledged, and by both partners.
There is usually no shortage of hurt and anger, and you may find conflict has become your main method of communicating.?? Hurt can manifest itself in several ways.? Anger tends to be one that is most commonly used, however, anger rarely comes alone.
Betrayed, sad, lost, scared, alone, confused, resentful, and vulnerable are just a few likely to surface.? Each relationship is unique, however, and so are the feelings that come with it.? Identify the feelings, as well as the underlying fears, insecurities, and loss the affair has created.? This helps focus your communication and creates a deeper understanding of the hurt and anger.?
Repair focuses on understanding our individual reaction to the affair, as well as recognizing that trust and friendship have now been called into question.? To address the loss of trust and friendship, it?s crucial to actively practice being a better friend.? This may seem obvious, but can often be overlooked in our everyday routine.
Learn what circumstances currently trigger negative feelings and/or conflict. Take action to correct these situations, and practice generating positive feelings instead.? Be mindful of your daily exchanges and build an atmosphere of comfort, kindness and consideration.? This creates a more neutral environment, and a neutral environment naturally reduces extra day-to-day conflict.? I?m sure you will agree that any way you can reduce conflict, will be of great benefit to you.
Consider actions such listening without interruption.? It sounds simple, but isn?t always so easy.? You can also defuse your environment by helping out with routines and daily activities, being considerate in your living space, giving genuine compliments, paying attention, and checking in with your partner about how they are doing. If you aren?t already taking these actions, then this is a great opportunity to demonstrate care for your partner.? With repetition and consistency, over time you share connections, and develop a sense of security.? This helps to repair the trust, and sets the course for?you to rebuild your friendship.
The level of friendship between partners is a significant indicator for success in a relationship.? The stronger your friendship connection, the higher your relationship success.
When your relationship began, together you created a vision of hopes, dreams and goals you planned to work towards.? This includes houses,?children, careers, vacations, lifestyle goals, and the timeline for achieving them.?? An affair is not typically part of this vision, and can lead the injured partner to question: Have we really been working toward the same goal all along?
This question can lead to uncertainty about your future, and in need of confirmation about what the future holds.? Address this uncertainty?by communicating your intent to stay together, as frequently as?needed.? Be honest and clear about what you want going forward, and?encourage your spouse to do the same.
Communicate your boundaries and expectations going forward.? As you?make these adjustments, you establish a clear vision of the future?while also reassuring your partner of your intent to stay together.?You are mending a friendship.? By consistently addressing the?uncertainty you demonstrate caring for your partner.? By sharing and re-negotiating expectations and goals, you establish a plan for being?together. Both are needed to encourage your friend to remain your?friend.
As we have all heard, time heals.?? But while you allow time to work,?this is the time to take active steps to build more closeness with?your partner.? Even if you and your partner are managing to get along,?life can manage to shake things up at any time.
Acknowledge Landmines.? Reminders of the affair, or that affairs exist?are similar to landmines.? You never know when or where they may be?hiding, but when you find them they blow up your whole day, week or?even longer.? A song on the radio, a scene in a movie or TV show.?Maybe a news article, mention of a city, or specific location connected to the infidelity.? These and many more not only can, but?unavoidably will also pop up.
When landmines show up the emotional response can feel just as strong?as the day the affair was discovered.? These experiences are, to say?the least, uncomfortable, and the straying partner may feel that?talking about them would be poking the emotional bear.
You or your partner may want to avoid, minimize, or even ignore them,?but don?t.? As awkward or uncomfortable as these situations may be,?they are actually opportunities for partners to share and understand?the ongoing impact of the infidelity, and then work through the hurt?together.? Emphasis on together.
The injured partner will be faced with landmines on sometimes a daily?basis.? Dealing with them alone can make your partner feel alone, not?understood, and uncared for.? These feelings will no doubt defeat your?goal of coming closer together, and will only create further distance?between you.? Working through these feelings together allows you the?opportunity to heal together rather than separate and alone.? It can?prove comforting when your partner is considerate of this, and is?willing to consistently demonstrate caring and support.
Working together through an affair takes time and a great deal of?patience.? The challenge of addressing the damage when our hurt and?defensiveness is high can be overwhelming, and at times seem?impossible to overcome.? Finding ways to reconnect with your partner?can be difficult or at times may not be well received.?
Practice patience, with yourself and with your partner.? Unfortunately?there is no timeline or rule book for exactly how you will find your?way back to each other.? At times you may want to speed up the?process, only to find a new bump in the road.?Rest assured this is truly a situation where persistence and?consistency pay off.? Stick with it, and you can get the results you?are looking for.
If you have dealt with this or are dealing with this, reach out to me. I can help you. I specialize in relationships. Don’t wait another day to start healing!
BY: Angela Lake, MA, LPC, NCC | Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Specialist, Trauma, Parenting, & Relationship Expert
Faith / Infidelity / Marriage / Relationship / Trauma
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Marriage is a time when vows are taken.? Vows become a covenant.? Covenant is a word you may not hear a lot of unless you read a spiritual book like the Bible.? It is sacred word. Nowadays, there are people who don?t view marriage as sacred. When people in a relationship commit to each other and exchange vows, ideally, that event should be set apart.? What happens when that commitment is not looked after? If a marriage is left unattended or neglected by either spouse, then ugly will occur. What happens to the marriage if the husband or wife decides to seek comfort in the arms of another?
Infidelity, like adultery, is an ugly word.? Yet when spouses engage in an affair, ugly is the last thing they think about.? It?s a time of excitement and adventure for them.? The nagging guilt of breaking vows is often pushed back. Like an addict, the adulterer is very good at rationalizing their behavior.? It?s only when the person is caught or decides to finally come clean that the repercussions and consequences begin to unfold.? For the person being betrayed?? Other emotions are displayed.? Anger, hurt, betrayal, and sadness come screaming to the forefront.? Overnight, trust is shattered.? They ask questions and no answer seems good enough.
What happens next?? For some, infidelity is a deal breaker and to them there is no option but divorce. Lives are irrevocably changed.? Families are broken up and kids are left to wonder, “what happens now?”? There are a plethora of reasons why the Bible speaks so forcibly on the subject of adultery.? ?Do not commit adultery? is one of the 10 Commandments. God has warned us of the devastation that infidelity can bring.? It doesn?t get much plainer than those 4 words.? It?s Gods way of putting up flashing neon lights, road blocks, and danger signs just to get our attention.? Yet the sexual revolution has made it easier to go around these warnings signs and plow right into the ugly and pain.
There are some couples that fight for their marriage.? It is a difficult and emotionally draining time for both spouses. ?Offending spouses should come to a point of brokenness, not because they got caught, but because it is in that space of brokenness that remorsefulness is authentic that spouses can own up to their trespass. If the repentance is genuine, is there a chance for forgiveness and reconciliation?? For those that seek reconciliation, counseling can be a place where healing begins to take place.? My goal is that when clients meet with me or any therapist at Armstrong Family Counseling that they enter into a safe space that?s nonjudgmental and a place that fosters hope.
Both spouses have to face certain truths about the state of their relationship.? They will have to individually and together decide if their marriage is worth fighting for.? They will have to be willing to listen to each other. They should come to a point where they are willing to walk through the many different emotions and actions that a counseling session might bring up.?
Perhaps for the first time they will learn to be on the same page.? But as I am sure you know, nothing worth while ever comes easy.? Rebuilding a marriage will take time.? There are no easy fixes. ?If you are spiritual, then God or your higher power can play a giant role in bringing about new life to the marriage.? With honest hard work from both spouses, and lots of prayer, there is hope for a new beginning.? One woman wrote on the website The Unveiled Wife about her experience and what occurred when she trusted God to rebuild her marriage into something better.
?There is a reason for EVERYTHING ? every tear, every heartache, and every lonely night. Our marriage is already significantly more intimate, physically AND spiritually, than it ever was in the previous five years. Our God can heal? Our God can renew? It is all possible with our God. Believe!?
BY: Angela Lake, MA, LPC, NCC | Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Specialist, Trauma, Parenting, & Relationship Expert
Depression / Emotional Intelligence / Life Coaching / Personal Development / Uncategorized
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Saying the mind and body are connected is nothing new. The Ancient Greeks attempted to understand the mental phenomena of emotions and their complex connections to physiological order. That fascination continued through the Roman era, the Renaissance, and on throughout history — and that?s just Western European culture. Physicians and philosophers all over the globe have explored the mind and body connection since the beginning of time and even recent science backs up the claim that they are intrinsically connected.
If you are not taking care of your physical self, your mental health is likely not where you want it to be. For instance, one of the main symptoms of depression is poor personal hygiene. Addicts are another good illustration of this problem. Addicts turn to self-harm in the form of drug or alcohol abuse as a way to cope with their own mental health issues. While environmental and genetic components also contribute to the disease, the mind/body link plays its part.
Taking the time to take care of the physical self can have a helpful impact on your mental health and addiction recovery. In addition to seeking help and supervision through a physician, try incorporating the following self-care rituals into your routine.
Establish a Solid Sleep Routine
Sleep is awesome, so why do so many of us get so little of it? According to the American Sleep Association, 50 to 70 million American adults have some sort of sleep disorder, insomnia being the most common one. Sleep problems are common in addicts, as well. Drug and alcohol abuse disrupt the body?s natural rhythm along with the neurochemicals and hormones that help control rest. After a while, the body forgets how to rest properly.
Thankfully, you can retrain your body by establishing a sleep routine and following it religiously. It?s not just about going to sleep and waking up at the same times every day — although those two things are key. Practicing good sleep hygiene has a lot to do with how you spend the hours before bedtime.
- Limit stimulants including nicotine and caffeine.
- Invest in some soothing herbal teas you can drink leading up to bedtime to help brain and body relax.
- The glow of your television, computer and smartphone screens keep the brain alert. Turn them off and put them away an hour before bed.
- Turn your bedroom into a sanctum of rest. Buy yourself nice linens, keep the room temperature cool, and use a white noise machine or essential oils to create ambience.
- Read a chapter of a book before you fall asleep to help your mind wind down. If you are still not sleepy, read another chapter until you are.
You may think exercise is just something you have to do if you want to lose weight, but it?s essential to the addiction recovery process. Drugs and alcohol trick your body to think it needs them by triggering the brain?s reward system. When you give up those substances, you can help beat cravings with exercise. Physical activity also stimulates that part of the brain while also releasing neurochemicals like dopamine and endorphins, which relieve pain and promote a positive mindset. You don?t have to train for a marathon to get these benefits, either. Just walking an extra half hour a day provides significant benefits.
Explore Healthy Stress Release
Finding some way to release stress and anxiety in a healthy manner is essential for addiction recovery. Meditation, yoga and hobbies like knitting help people tune out those thoughts and criticisms without having to use drugs or alcohol. Think of them like exercise for your brain. During these mindful exercises, you will experience negative thoughts. However, by recognizing those thoughts, dismissing them and returning your attention to your activity, you are training your brain to dismiss them on its own. The more you practice, the easier it becomes and your brain learns to automatically pass over self-criticisms in your day-to-day life so you can stay focused.
Since the mind and body are connected, your physical health has a significant impact on your mental health and vice-versa. When you struggle with a mental health issue like addiction, incorporating a solid sleep routine, exercise, and healthy coping mechanisms for stress all contribute to recovery. Incorporate daily physical self-care routines in your efforts to heal yourself holistically.
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Anxiety / Life Coaching / Neurofeedback / Trauma
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What does it mean to be defined by your past?? The answer lies in the brain. The brain?s primary function is to keep you alive and safe, and that function will override any and all other functions when it perceives that you are in danger.? When I use the word perceive, I mean that over the course of your life, your brain has learned what is dangerous, physically and emotionally, so whenever a situation presents itself, your brain immediately recalls whether any danger has been associated with this type of situation in your past experiences or learning.? If so, your brain will react protectively.
?Learning in the Brain
Your brain learns every time you encounter a dangerous situation.? For example, the first time you were burned with fire, your brain learned that fire was hot, painful, and dangerous.? This programming is deep and long lasting.? For the rest of your life, you will always have some level of fear around being burned by fire.? The same type of learning happens with emotional danger, particularly when shame is involved.? Brain imaging suggests that when a person is overwhelmed with shame, it acts protectively in that same way it would if you were dying.? This suggests that the brain does not distinguish between shame and death.? This further suggests that we learn to defend against anything that the brain perceives as shameful.? This may include performance, looks, perceived competence, social behavior, status, and more.
Trauma is any event or sequence of events, physical or emotional, that has permanently raised the brain?s and body?s awareness and preparedness for danger beyond normal levels.? After a traumatic event, there are often permanent changes.? A person?s heart rate may permanently increase or decrease, they may become hyperaware of any potential danger, have an increased startle response, have unexplained anxiety, have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and perhaps most troubling of all, they may have a difficulty maintaining healthy relationships.? In this way, our past is defined by trauma, holding us back like a ball and chain shackled to our ankle.
Getting your Life Back?
To restore the person you were, or perhaps discover the person you never had the chance to become, the brain needs to learn that you are now safe, and it needs to learn how to lower its defenses when they are not necessary.? The brain will not let its defenses go lightly as its primary function is to keep you alive and safe.? It takes time, and it usually requires professional help.? As the brain?s defenses begin to lighten up, you are freed to find yourself.? This happens naturally since your faculties are no longer bogged down by the need to be constantly on guard.? People who recover from trauma find that they feel new peace and enjoyment in life, greatly improved relationships, and perhaps most of all, they feel that they are no longer defined by their past.
If you feel like you are defined by your past, if you are having trouble moving forward, or if you just need to get a few things off of your chest?please contact our office today. We have a team of experts who are ready and eager to help you move forward.?We will help you recover from your mental trauma.
Emotional Intelligence / Habits / Life Coaching / Personal Development
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We all have bad days. It’s okay. But, it is essential to keep in mind that we all choose how much we allow our circumstances, at any given time, to influence our energy?positive or negative.
It?s okay to be human. We all make mistakes We all repeat the same slip-ups until we decide to choose another option?which often requires a paradigm shift. Changing one?s frame of mind is never easy. Change is hard!
Know what else is tough? Learning to walk and talk, but we did it?because we kept trying to learn. We were intentional about acquiring that skill because at that time, it was important to us.
At some point in adulthood, people get stuck in a cloud of shifting priorities. Work. School. Family. Church. Social engagements. We all?at one time or another?feel drained! The question is, what are we going to do about it?
For a change to happen, one must intentionally create new habits. These behaviors are meant to replace the old ways that were not contributing to our success. These new habits should be designed to impact areas in our lives that we need strengthened. Nothing changes, when nothing changes.
Marty was just like you?busy, overworked, stressed. She?s a single-parent who works very hard to provide for her two boys.
One day, Marty decided that she was going to do something about her energy. She had been reading a book by Brendon Burchard, High Performing Habits, that inspired her to generate more positive energy by intentionally adopting simple habits that would allow her to do so.
On a Tuesday morning, Marty set 2 random alarms?one at 10:17 am , another at 2:29 pm?that prompted her to stop what she was doing and take 10 deep breaths. She was intrigued by how effortless and odd, yet apparently obvious this exercise seemed, because Marty had known for quite some time that she wasn?t taking breaks throughout her day to just breathe?and as a nurse she knew how vital breathing is to one?s well-being.
Her first alarm goes off. She gets up from the nurse?s station, walks outside, and starts to count 10 deep breaths. Once she has started breathing she is supposed to ask herself, ?what kind of energy do I want and need right now?? She thinks about her to-do list, the patients she is caring for, and then she feels gratitude.
?I am grateful that I have all of these things to do and that I am entrusted with these people to care for. I choose to BRING THE JOY!?
This heartwarming moment was a gamechanger for Marty. A few hours later, when her next alarm went off, she once again walked outside to get a breath of fresh air. She started to breathe and as she did she felt the tension release from off of her shoulders. She was in the moment. She had already ?brought the joy once.? She thought about what kind of energy she needed at that moment, then, like magic, she had laser-like focus as she intentionally dialed into her mind to generate the energy she wanted. She caught up her charting and made her rounds again?with the intention of bringing more joy!
Six months later, Marty still has her 2 alarms that go off, and she has found that she takes more time to be present, in the present. She is able to stay focused at work. She?s incorporated a 3rd alarm. This one goes off on her drive home. She breathes, releases the tension, and asks herself what kind of energy her family needs. These triggers, changed her behavior in a way that impacted her state of mind, her work, & family relationships. Marty took control of her energy production.
Another key aspect of generating energy is taking control of our health?optimize it. If it has been over a year since the last physical exam, ?we really should get one soon. We all have to start somewhere, and this is a good place. Finding out where to improve our health and our body, and then intentionally improving those areas will bless us with health, strength, and vitality.
Exercise plays a HUGE role in one?s ability to generate energy. A good place to start is in the morning. Wake up 10-15 minutes earlier, stretch, and do 5 push-ups. Do this Monday through Friday for a month. Get excited about waking up earlier to do this?after all, by doing this, you are changing the world (your world). Increase your exercise to, eventually, consistently exercising for at least 30 minutes a morning, 4-5x a week.
Robin Sharma said, ?Good health is a crown on the head of a well person that only a sick person can see.?
As we choose to do simple, different things like setting random alarms to breathe, breathing to intentionally set the tone, and optimizing our health, our bodies will reap from the choices we have sown. We will grow in health, mental clarity, and our ability to generate energy will have increased by leaps and bounds.
There are no shortcuts. Choices can and should be tough. Growth is never easy. Change is always possible. Change comes when we choose between comfort and wisdom?and choose to grow. It comes when we ask ourselves, ?What is TRULY best for me right now?? Then acting upon that answer.
Do you want the secret to life? Act. Do. Become.
Act on your choices, choose your reactions, and intentionally generate the energy and the feelings that are most important to you and will help you become the best version of yourself.
If you struggle with learning new habits, if you need help from a mentor to coach you as you strive to become all that you have the potential to become, or if you are ready to take it to the next level?career, relationship, personal life?then I can help you.
Anxiety / Depression / Emotional Intelligence / Life Coaching / Personal Development / Relationship / Uncategorized
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What is intrapersonal communication?
Intrapersonal communication is the process of talking to oneself, which is related to your constant internal dialogues, either consciously or subconsciously. Our intrapersonal communication helps to determine our self-image and self-awareness, which is the most basic level of communication, and helps us to understand who we are and what we think of ourselves.
Why is it important?
We can easily determine our self-esteem and self-perception through our internal communications, or intrapersonal communications. Obviously, in order to have a successful interpersonal relationship–communicating with others–we must first learn how to communicate with ourselves, understand who we are, and what we think of ourselves, and eventually, it will lead us to have a greater success in life. But how?
Follow these 4 steps to Improve your Intrapersonal Communication
Your internal conversations have a huge impact on you and your personal well-being. Try to listen to your self-talk and be aware of your internal dialogue and whether it is positive or negative. Remember that negative self-talk can drain your energy or motivation while your positive dialogues can empower you with higher self-esteem and eventually improve your self-perception, which is going to help you to have a better feeling about yourself.
Have you ever tried to monitor your thought on your ongoing basis? In general, it is easier to let our thoughts run randomly through our mind, but if we try to recognize our negative thoughts and immediately replace them with positive ones, we will be amazed by the result on our day-to-day life activities and relational communications.
Try to eliminate your unwanted thoughts from intruding by saying or thinking about some words like ?STOP? or ?ENOUGH?, ?CLEAR?, QUIT?. You can also improve your positive self-talk through prayer, meditation, affirmations, and focusing on your enjoyable moments.
Try to recognize the differences that your positive self-talk makes in your day-to-day life activities or communications. Pay attention to those changes like feeling calmer and more peaceful, which are going to help you connect with what is peaceful and good around you and you’ll become less concerned with trivial matters. After a while, you will achieve a more positive outlook on life and have more confidence in your abilities.
Emotional Intelligence / Life Coaching / Personal Development / Uncategorized
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To know?where you are going, first?you need to?know who you are. Then, you need to?have a reason?to reach your destination.?Why?do you want to make it there??Why?is it important to you?
Dr. Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that you must?begin with the end in mind.?Focus with me?as his words?guide?your thoughts:
?In your mind?s eye,?see yourself?going to the funeral of a loved one.?Picture yourself?driving to the funeral parlor or chapel, parking the car, and getting out.?As you walk inside the building, you notice the flowers, the soft organ music.?You see?the?faces of friends and family?you pass along the way.?You feel?the shared?sorrow?of losing, the?joy?of having known that radiates from the hearts of the people there.
?As you walk?down in front of the room?and look inside the casket,?you?suddenly?come face to face?with yourself.?This is your funeral?three years from today. All these?people have come?to honor you,?to?express feelings?of love and appreciation?for your life.
‘As you take a seat?and wait for the services to begin,?you look?at the program in your hand. There are to be four speakers.?The first?is from your family, immediate and extended-?children, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents?who have come from all over the country to attend.?The second?is one of your friends,?someone who can give a sense of what you were as a person.?The third?speaker is from your work or profession.?The fourth?is from your church?or some community organization where you?ve been involved in service.
?Now think deeply.?What would you like each of these speakers to say about you and your life?What kind of husband, wife, father, or mother would you like their words to reflect? What kind of son, or daughter, or cousin??What kind of friend??What kind of working associate?
?What character would you like them to have seen in you??What contributions, what achievements would you want them to remember? Look carefully at the people around you.?What difference would you have liked to have made?in their lives??
Think about those answers.?Take a minute to truly reflect. I would even suggest writing your answers down on a piece of paper.
Who you would ?have them remember you as?or what you would have them remember you for?is?your personal definition of success!
Using this exercise, I’ve defined my own roles in my life and this perspective has helped me to create a personal mission statement.?You must know who you are?and what you need to do to become the best version of yourself.?Doing this will be your?driving force?to get to your ultimate destination. This is called seeking clarity.
There is?great power?in?beginning with the end in mind.?As I strive to become the man I envision myself becoming, I have a?deeper satisfaction?in life. I have a stronger conviction?to accomplish my goals.?I have a purpose. I also have a reason to challenge myself by setting goals to develop into the best version of myself.
To?truly?know where you are going,?to have a clear vision?of where you are headed;?you must first have a clear picture of?who you are.
As your life coach, I can help you develop your vision, help you set goals to achieve your vision, and inspire you to grow into the person it will take to make your vision a reality! Contact me today for a free consultation.
Abuse / Relationship / Trauma / Uncategorized
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Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and has lived to tell the tale is a survivor. This includes those who are currently in such a relationship and either working their way out or making preparations to do so. One large obstacle to ending and healing from an abusive relationship is guilt. This guilt comes from pity for the abuser, which is born of compassion, which the abuser has learned to twist like a knife in the survivor?s gut.
Most people are moved with compassion when they see others in pain. Examples include an elderly person having trouble breathing, a parent grieving over the sudden loss of a child, a crippled person struggling to walk, or an infant painfully and weakly crying. Such examples, which move the vast majority of human beings, generally do not move abusive people, because they often lack the ability or desire to feel compassion. Instead, they view such circumstances as tools they can use when the time is right. Can you imagine someone storing the memory of a parent grieving over the loss of child, and later using it to twist and manipulate that person? Not only do people like that actually exist, but there are far more of them in the world than most people realize.
Pity differs from compassion in that pity often functions similar to compassion but without boundaries. It can be endless reservoir of power and control. Abusers learn to manipulate survivors into feeling pity for them. They do this by closely observing the survivor and learning what moves them to compassion. They then create intentional scenarios which turn that compassion towards the abuser and simultaneously infuse the survivor with intense guilt. Over time, the survivor is left feeling helpless, stuck between staying in an abusive relationship and living with the horrible guilt of abandoning someone who needs them. The tragic irony is that the abuser cares nothing for them and would feel no emotional loss, only the loss of someone to control and manipulate.
A Way Forward
Leaving an abusive relationship and finding healing is no small task. It is critical for a survivor to continue to have compassion without falling into the trap of pity and guilt. We must see abusers for who they are and not throw away valuable compassion that can be twisted. If we must feel sorry for their eventual fate, it can only be done from a safe distance, well after the relationship has ended and proper boundaries are in place as safeguards. The survivor must also learn to recognize when their compassion is being used against them and learn to keep a proper distance from abusive people. One temptation can be to leave all compassion behind as a precaution against abusers, but this is also a mistake because it leaves the survivor stripped of what once made them human, and the abuser ultimately holding the victory. Instead the survivor must learn to hold on to all them makes them good and regain all that had been taken. The ultimate victory of the survivor over the abuser is the complete restoration of their soul, sending a strong message that they remain unconquered.
?I Remain Unvanquished?
Couples therapy / Depression / Marriage
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Early on in my career as a?marriage counselor, I noticed that in a majority of couples I saw, there was mental illness present in one or both parties.? I also noticed that in those marriages, progress was incredibly difficult if the illness was not?addressed and treated.? I learned to shift focus to the illness temporarily.? I would offer that person to come and?see me individually?for treatment or I would make an appropriate referral.? I have continued that practice to this day, and I have had tremendous success in marriage counseling, particularly when the mental illness is treated, and the couple is able to move beyond it.? Below, I will highlight one common mental illness:?Major Depressive Disorder, and I will discuss its implications in marriage.
Having?Major Depressive Disorder?does not mean that one is depressed all day every day.? The person is usually depressed for certain periods of time called major depressive episodes.? They last anywhere from two weeks up to several months, or even years in rare cases.? During the episode, people typically have a?depressed mood?for most of the day and most days of the episode.? They often experience feelings of?hopelessness, sadness, and emptiness.? They typically?lose interest?in activities that normally bring them pleasure.? They may?sleep much more or much less?than usual.? Their?appetite may increase or decrease, causing their weight to fluctuate.? They may also become much?more irritable and want to be alone.? They often?lose energy, and their movements become very slow.? They may even feel?completely worthless?and have?desires to end their life.
In light of the description above, it is easy to see how depression can complicate marriage.? It can be fairly easy in the beginning of an episode for the partner to be supportive, but it doesn?t take long for them to feel?resentful?once their?needs are no longer being met, and to make matters worse, the depressed person often outright?rejects their partner.? It makes little difference whether the rejection is intentional or unintentional because?rejection always hurts.? Also, the negative mood of depression tends to?drag the mood of everyone else down, especially that of their partner.? Over time, the resentment their partner feels can begin to?harden them, and if that continues, the partner can?lose the ability to feel anymore, having been?rejected one too many times.
It is important to understand that?no one chooses to be depressed, and when they are,?they don?t like it, and?they don?t want to stay that way.? Their attitude may suggest otherwise, but that is merely one of the symptoms.??We shouldn?t blame the person for being depressed.? Instead, we should?offer support and encourage them to get help.??Depression is treatable. ?When depression is successfully treated, the marriage is relieved of a large burden that can provide new hope.
When the burden of depression is lifted,?the marriage is free to progress.? The entire?landscape is changed.? The couple is then free to?connect in ways never before possible.? This happens because the partner is no longer experiencing a high level of rejection, and the natural defense mechanisms of the brains aren?t being engaged so often.? This allows for?emotional safety, which can lead to?vulnerability, which leads to?intimacy.? If you or your partner are experiencing depression, please reach out to a?trusted counselor.? It can help you get your life back.? It can save your marriage.