Have you ever wondered what happened to your little baby who was always happy to see you? Do you even remember what it was like to have a child who cried only when something was actually wrong? What about all those sweet hugs and cuddles? Even a single word of sweetness would be nice from a teen, but those are about as rare as $100 bills laying around in the street. As a father of 5, I fully understand how difficult it is to look at your teens and remember that they were once perfect little babies, and because of that, it can be difficult to conjure up the patience and compassion needed to deal with their emotions. It’s difficult to feel compassion for someone who argues with everything you say and yells at you uncontrollably after a simple request to take out the trash. In spite of this, there is hope for teens, and chances are that if you love your teens and do your best as a parent, they will get over their teen struggles at some point, and you will have a good relationship with them, and they might even surprise you and turn out quite well. My wife and I have had our struggles as well, and while we are still in the thick of it (3 teens and 2 on deck), we have seen tremendous progress over the years in spite of our obvious shortcomings as parents. I may be a therapist, and I may treat teens and their families for a living, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not human, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t make a lot of mistakes. The wonderful truth is that even when, not if, you make mistakes, you still can, and definitely should, repair those mistakes, and the future may yet still be very bright for you and your teens. Keep reading as I lay out 3 solid tips that just might make all the difference for you and your teens.
Repair Damage Immediately
Repairing emotional damage immediately is probably the most important habit you can form for your relationship with your teens, and it can lay the foundation for healthy, life-long relationships. Emotional damage attacks the soul like cancer attacks the body. Cancer begins with a DNA damaging event, which can happen due to things like experiencing traumatic events and consuming harmful substances. These events are not uncommon, but our immune system is very effective at destroying any cells with damaged DNA so they can’t replicate. Cancer itself begins when the immune system fails to prevent these cells from replicating, and the result is that the cancer spreads, and this often leads to a life-threatening crisis within the body. Now let’s apply this analogy to emotions and relationships. We suffer trust damaging events or connection damaging events in any relationship we engage in. These can be words that are spoken or actions that are taken that do damage to us emotionally. As with damaged cells, we need a similar immune response in our relationship to prevent the spread of the emotional damage, which can grow like a cancer and cause long term damage to the relationship, or even destroy it. If we act quickly to repair the damage, the likely result is that the damage will be repaired, and the relationship will stay strong, and trust will be gained. If we do not repair the damage, it sits in the gut and festers, the emotional equivalent of cancer spreading. Keep in mind that it is often impossible to repair during an altercation. It is usually much more effective to allow time for each person to calm down and think rationally. For example, if, in a bad moment, you say something you regret, like calling your teens stupid, follow this formula: wait for them (and yourself) to calm down, ask for a private meeting, identify the hurt (in this case calling them stupid), apologize for the hurt, explain that you don’t actually believe that about them. This last step is the most important of all because what will fester within them is the belief that their own parent thinks they’re stupid (or whatever else you may have called them). After that, allow time for healing.
Explain How Your Actions Are Motivated By Love
The teenage brain may be more developed than that of a small child, but teens are still very egocentric, and they have a difficult time thinking rationally when situations affect them and get in the way of what they want. This egocentricity has a way of making them feel that the actions their parents take are unfair and are meant to cause them harm. Because of this, they naturally begin to question how their parents truly feel about them. My advice is to emphasize often the love behind the actions you take. They may not understand it at the time, but since you have emphasized it, when they question how you feel about them in the future, they will already have your answer, and they may be spared the pain of dealing with the idea that their parents don’t care about them.
Meaningful time with teens is time doing things with them that are the most important to them. This may not always be interesting to you, but it is very important to them. I have spent countless hours playing videos games, watching shows, being taught to draw, taste testing, learning new facts, taking walks, listening to music, shopping, and much more with my kids, and much of the time, I had no interest in doing any of those things, but the time spent with them meant something to them. If you think your teens would not want to do anything with you, you are most likely dead wrong. Your teens may not want to spend night and day with you, they may even want to be away from you a lot, but that is part of being a teen, and it doesn’t actually mean that they don’t want to spend time with you. They might just not want to play peek-a-boo anymore. Find the things they are most interested in and the things they want to share with you. Don’t be discouraged if they resist your first attempts. Keep trying. They may need time to come around to the idea, but your attempts will communicate to them that they are important to you, and there are few things more important than knowing that.
Teens are difficult to raise, but remember that being a teen is difficult for them as well. They usually don’t know why they do what they do either, and they greatly appreciate patience and forgiveness, even though they rarely express it. Also keep in mind that sometimes they are going through things that require professional help, and you may even want to seek counseling yourself to help you become a better parent and better connect with them. Whatever you do, remember that the best thing you can do is love them and do your best, and despite your mistakes, and as long as you don’t give up, there is a good chance that you are building a foundation for a healthy relationship with your teens that will last a lifetime.
Ever tried to count sheep, think of nothing, or will yourself to pass out? Have you ever burned more calories rolling over at night than from a workout? Are you ever up the rest of the night after waking, even if you only slept a little bit? If any of these experiences are familiar, you could probably use these 5 tips for better sleep. You may also need a therapist to help.
Create the Ideal Sleep Environment
Your brain tracks where you are at any given time, and based on your location, your brain attempts to prepare your mind and your body for what you will need at that location. For example, if you go to the gym, your brain quickly learns that the gym is a place of exercise, so it does things to prepare your body, such as increasing blood flow to your muscles, before you even touch a weight or step onto a machine! For this reason, you must teach your brain that your bedroom is for sleep. To accomplish this, sleep scientists recommend using your bedroom for nothing but sleep and sex. This means no working, no worrying, and nothing mentally challenging in your bedroom. This way your brain never amps up your thoughts or your heart rate when it is time to sleep. It is recommended to remove as many electronics as possible, especially your laptop, and take all of your work and worrying somewhere else! It is also very helpful to design an ambient environment like a beach or lake theme to really help your brain know what you will be doing there, which is sleep!
Prepare for Sleep
Your brain works on several frequency ranges throughout the day and night, ranging from very stressed to deep sleep, but it can’t jump from a high frequency range like stress to a low one like sleep. It needs to shift one frequency at a time. For this reason, it is important to begin to reduce your physical and mental activity gradually, beginning about 30-60 minutes before you intend to sleep. Simply begin doing more relaxing activities and stop doing things like working and worrying. It also helps to do things that help your body relax like a warm bath, a cup of milk, or a massage.
Go to Bed Tired
It actually doesn’t help to go to bed before you’re tired. This leads to time spent in bed with nothing happening, so your mind gets bored and begins to activate. If this becomes a habit, your brain learns that bed is for thinking and being annoyed, and you don’t wan that. It is much better to do relaxing things and simply let your body get tired. You can’t force it. Once you feel tired, feel free to head to bed. If you find yourself in bed and not sleeping, just get up and go somewhere other than your bedroom, do something relaxing, and when you feel tired, then go back to bed.
Wake Up at the Same Time Every Morning
When trying to set a sleep schedule, most people do it backward. They try to change the time they go to bed, but this only leads to the problems discussed in the previous paragraph. The correct way to accomplish this is to regulate when you wake up. By doing it this way, your body learns when to start shutting down, and you should begin to get tired at the right time. For this to work, it is important to be consistent and give your body time to adjust.
Don’t Try to Sleep; let it Happen
As discussed earlier, you brain operates on many different frequencies. When you try to do anything, you activate beta frequencies, which are the frequencies of the conscious mind, not the unconscious. To fall asleep, the body first has to shift into alpha, which is relaxing, and the brain is not actively thinking or trying to do anything, and then into theta, which is dreaming, and then into delta, which is deep sleep. Anytime you engage conscious thought, you activate beta frequencies and also your conscious brain, which is the opposite direction you want to go. This means that you can’t try to sleep, you can only let it happen. Your goal then is simply to allow the natural biology of your brain and body to work. Instead of trying to stop thoughts, which only activates your brain, let your brain wonder freely. If you are struggling with this last step, it may be time to see a therapist who can help you learn to do this. Thanks for reading this article all the way through and happy sleeping!
Over the last few years the health care community has been forced to take a hard look at the prescription medications that providers have been putting out into the community. The rampant misuse of doctor prescribed opiates, stimulants, and benzos has compelled clinicians to re-evaluate their methods for treating patients. But as encouraging as this trend has been, it is still important for us as patients and consumers to take an active role in our treatment. A balance must be struck between relying on the expertise of providers and being conscious of what we choose to consume.
I want to preface this by saying that the correct medication can do wonders for your mental health. The difficulty stems from (1) thinking that ONLY medications can help and (2) not taking the time to figure out the true nature of the problem before deciding on treatment.
Rule out other causes
It may be tempting to want to get your child on an ADHD medication at the first sign of problems in the home or school. The presence of inattention, difficulty concentrating, irritability, excessive activity or aggression can all be disruptive to your child’s academic success and relationships with family or friends. But, like most endeavors, mental wellness must be built on a solid foundation that cannot be rushed. And the best place to start, is with a proper diagnosis.
This is often easier said than done. For example irritability, increased sensitivity, sleeplessness, temper tantrums, and difficulty concentrating can all be seen by your clinician as signs of ADHD. However, these symptoms are also what you might expect to see with DEPRESSION, as it presents in children. Taking the time to ensure a thorough diagnosis may save you years of chasing your tale with minimal benefit (not to mention money).
Who should I have diagnose?
First and foremost, a diagnosis of ADHD has to come from a health care professional. Resist the urge to self-diagnose! While no one would argue that you aren’t the expert on your child (you almost certainly are) there are clinicians out there who are experts in mental illness, which is what you need. If your child’s school is lucky enough to have a school psychologist, try reaching out to them to discuss options. In the community, the primary clinicians diagnosing ADHD are psychiatrist. These are medical doctors, with expertise in treating mental illness, and they are the only providers (at least in Kansas and Missouri) that can prescribe medication. A Licensed Psychologist may also be a good person to reach out to for an initial diagnosis. Although they cannot prescribe, they can help you create an optimal treatment plan for your child.
With all respect to teachers out there, teachers should not be diagnosing. A well-reasoned recommendation from your child’s teacher may be worth taking into consideration, as they do spend a significant amount of time with your child in a structured environment. But teachers should never diagnose. I would also strongly encourage against letting your primary care physician prescribe psychopharmaceuticals to your child. While they may have had some training in the past on mental illness, that does not mean they’re still well versed in the subject (you likely wouldn’t let your pediatrician perform an operation on you right?). It’s far if your PCP suspects your child may be suffering from a mental illness, to just ask them for a recommendation to a good psychiatrist or psychologist.
What goes into a GOOD diagnosis?
As I previously stated, there is no definitive test for ADHD. I am fond of saying things like, there’s no thermometer for depression or blood test for inattention,. but that does not mean we should be taking shots in the dark hoping to hit something; especially when it comes to prescribing medications to a developing brain. There are some ways for you to know that your child is receiving a good, well thought out diagnosis. A thorough evaluation should include the following:
- Extensive history. Any thorough diagnostic intervention is going to include a detailed history going back to infancy or earlier. You never know where important diagnostic information may pop up, so having as much information as possible is a plus.
- Multiple settings. An often overlooked aspect of ADHD is that it appears in multiple settings. You would normally expect impairment to be fairly global, with signs of hyperactivity/inattention appearing in multiple areas of life. If you only see symptoms in one area (at school, at home, out with friends, etc.) then it would be a good idea to explore other diagnoses.*this can be accomplished through testing discussed below*
- Areas of strength, aside from the difficulties, children with ADHD almost always have tasks or topics for them that are considered strengths and aren’t impaired by symptoms of hyperactivity or inattention. When interviewing parents of children with ADHD, you almost always hear, Little Johnny just can’t focus on anything, except when it comes to ______ . With that he’s focused in. It’s important to focus on these areas (reading, video games, sports, etc.) and take them into consideration during diagnosing.
- Psychological testing. I know, I know, I said there’s no DEFINITIVE test for ADHD. But there are assessments that can lend some measure of objectivity to the diagnosing process and help rule out other issues besides ADHD. These tests include the Conners 3, BASC-3, or Brown ADD Scales and should be administered and interpreted only by a qualified professional. A good psychological assessment should include 1) a developmental history, (2) a parent rating scale, (3) a teacher rating scale, (4) a self-report, and (5) observation.
Now, clinicians certainly don’t HAVE to go through all of these steps before giving an ADHD diagnosis. In fact, there are plenty out there that will give your child a diagnosis and prescription after one, 50 minute interview. But like any treatment, you want to be sure your provider is treating the correct thing. Just like you would want testing done to confirm lung cancer, rather than asthma for example, before starting chemotherapy. Before your provider prescribes your child stimulants, it’s worth taking the time to rule out other causes; like depression.
There are plenty of good and effective medications and treatments available to help manage ADHD symptoms in your child. But, there are ZERO shortcuts. Before you invest the time, energy, and money into your child’s treatment, it’s crucial that you insist your clinician take the time to ensure an accurate diagnosis.
For those people who struggle to get a good night’s sleep, have you considered that you might be your own worst enemy? There are some definite do’s and don’ts to observe, which include important measures that have a direct effect on your ability to sleep and maintain good mental health. Consistent, restorative sleep is closely tied to mental health when you’re tired, your mood suffers, you’re impatient, and you have trouble concentrating. Consequently, your sense of well-being is compromised, and symptoms of depression and anxiety may occur as a result.
What’s more, sleep is especially important for people recovering from drug or alcohol abuse. Sleep has a powerful healing effect on the body and mind, bolstering the immune system and strengthening your metabolism. It also improves your mental outlook, an important factor in recovering from the ravages of addiction.
Consider the following points if a lack of sleep is affecting your mental condition and ability to function on a daily basis.
Observe a Sleep Schedule
Many of us get to bed only when our daily responsibilities have been completed and, as such, fail to get the necessary seven to nine hours of sleep every night. Your body functions best when you follow a regular schedule, and going to bed at the same time and waking up every morning at the same time is the best way to recalibrate your internal clock. Also, stick with your sleep schedule through the weekend and on holidays so as not to disrupt your sleep schedule. Eventually, your body will fall into line and let you know when it’s time for bed.
You can’t expect to climb into bed and fall asleep straight away if you’re experiencing sleep deprivation and insomnia. It’s important to spend an hour or two winding down, so prepare yourself to sleep by observing relaxing habits such as reading a book, taking a hot bath, or engaging in meditation. These activities can calm your thoughts and slow your heart rate, both of which are necessary for you to feel sleepy.
Insomnia can be a serious problem, leading to both mental and physical complications. If it persists, it might be time to take a close look at your sleep environment. People often make the mistake of leaving a TV or computer screen on at night or keeping a smartphone on the nightstand. These are disruptions that can prevent sleep. What’s needed is a dark and quiet environment, so consider installing blackout shades and using a white noise app or machine to mask any disruptive external sound. Pay close attention to the comfort of your bed, rough sheets, and heavy blankets may drive up your body temperature, making it hard to get to sleep.
Don’t Force It
As a kid, do you remember being told by a parent just to lie in bed until you got tired? It’s a convenient piece of parental advice, but it doesn’t work when you’re an adult with a sleep problem. Whether you’re tossing and turning or just lying in bed thinking about next week’s big client presentation or an argument you had with your spouse, you’re only making the situation worse. Instead, get up and sit quietly in a darkened room, or do some light reading until your eyelids start to get heavy.
Limit Food and Drink at Night
Ingesting caffeine at night is a bad idea if you suffer from insomnia, as is eating a meal too close to bedtime. Your metabolism has to work to process the food, and you won’t feel like sleeping. Some people like to have a few drinks before bed, thinking it’ll help them wind down after a busy day. Unfortunately, alcohol undermines the healing, rejuvenating REM sleep you need to feel good and stay healthy.
Think through your sleep habits if you’re having difficulty at night. You might find that a simple adjustment will make a big difference. A consistent nighttime routine, a restful sleep space, and a little willpower in the evening can restore your mental well-being and leave you feeling refreshed and reinvigorated during the day.
Image courtesy of Pixabay
We live in anxious, chaotic times. Watch 10 minutes of any news channel or spend time on any social media app and notice your blood pressure rise. We pride ourselves on our abilities to multi-task. You’ve seen them (or this may be us), during rush hour, driving, talking/texting, putting on make-up (or dry shaving), and eating breakfast, all the while trying to navigate successfully to our destinations. Mindfulness is a call for us to slow down and focus on one thing, one event, one activity at a time…purposeful breathing is at the foundation.
Breathing you may ask, Don’t we know how to breathe? Clearly, it is automatic in the sense that we don’t even have to think about it. The medulla oblongata is the part of the hindbrain that detects levels of CO2 and O2 in the bloodstream and automatically determines if any changes are needed, sending nerve impulses to the heart and diaphragm to either increase or decrease activity. However, the breathing I am talking about in this blog is deliberate and intentional, to produce physiological calmness, emotional well-being, and mental clarity.
Dr. Weil offers us his 4-7-8 breathing rhythm, the relaxing breath. On his YouTube video, he explains that breathing in this manner over time can produce wonderfully pleasant states of consciousness and is one of the best ways to control anxiety and emotional reactivity (especially if you have been triggered in some manner).
To begin, hold your tongue in the Yogi position (behind front teeth, where teeth meet the gumline) exhale for a count of 8, inhale (through your nose) for the count of 4, hold this breath for a count of 7, and exhale completely for a count of 8. Do 3 more breath cycles to complete the circuit and notice any changes. Keeping the ratio is important, of note, the exhale is twice as long as the inhale and holding the breath for 7 facilitates a drop in blood pressure. Practice this throughout the day (bare minimum is twice a day), especially when you notice yourself getting upset, irritated, or otherwise emotionally reactive. Choosing to breathe in this rhythm instead of emotionally reacting allows a gap between irritant and reaction; thus, thoughtfully responding and in control of your words and actions (not emotionally reacting).
The applications for using this skill are numerous: someone cuts you off in traffic (breathe); your child speaks to you in a perceived disrespectful tone (breathe); you are in the check-out line at the store and there is no movement and your ice cream is melting (breathe); you are next in the queue to be interviewed (breathe); you are sitting down to take a test (breathe); you are getting ready to take a free-throw to win your basketball game (breathe); you get the idea. For as many anxious moments we face throughout the days, months, and years of our lives, use this breathing rhythm to calm your body and your mind and be deliberate in your words and actions. Relationships can flourish when we take the time and make the effort to regain emotional control once triggered. Practice Dr. Weil’s breathing rhythm at every opportunity…you will benefit greatly.
School refusal is becoming and evermore common concern for parents of children and teens. School anxiety effects 25% of school aged children, with 2-5% refusing to attend school altogether. With its short- and long-term consequences being particularly concerning, parents often feel unsure about how to address the problem.
For our purposes, school refusal should be considered separate from general truancy, due to the presence of emotional distress (specifically around attending school) and an absence of antisocial behaviors. School refusal is a psychosocial problem, meaning it can be considered the result of both psychological and environmental issues. This may manifest as complaints of physical symptoms shortly before it is time to leave for school or asking to the nurse, but once allowed to stay home, the symptoms quickly disappear. Common physical symptoms include headaches, stomachaches, nausea, or diarrhea with behavioral symptoms manifesting in tantrums, inflexibility, separation anxiety, avoidance, or defiance.
The emotional distress that is frequently associated with school refusal often manifests as fear or anxiety, with about 50% considered to have anxiety disorders. However, while it is often characterized as anxiety driven avoidance of school and school-based activities, there seems to be no absolute-uniformity in the development of these behaviors. Depression has also been shown to be associated with poor school attendance. And although mood-related issues are often centered around school or school related activities, that is not always necessarily the case. For example, the presence of depression often manifests in symptoms that may result in poor attendance yet not be directly related to school, such as general lethargy and/or loss of interest.
The question then becomes, what can be done to help combat school refusal problems? Most of the research done on school refusal interventions has centered around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), behavioral interventions, and psychopharmacological interventions. A 2016 study that examined the effects of combined intervention of CBT and fluoxetine (Prozac) showed significant improvement in school attendance and mood concerns; with the improvements showing stability at 6 and 12 months. Behavioral interventions often draw upon principles of operant conditioning, focusing on how school refusal has become reinforced; either positively or negatively. Graded or In Vivo exposure both have a long history of use in anxiety management and can be implemented to help re-acclimate the child to being in school. Parents can also help support consistent attendance by emphasizing the positive aspects of school, helping to develop a support system within the school, meet regularly with teachers/counselors, encourage distractions such as hobbies and interests, and talking with your child about their feelings/fears about school.
4 Ways to Help Encourage Your Children to Attend School
Although it can be scary and troubling when your son or daughter starts refusing to go to school, it’s important to remember there are things you can do to help.
- Don’t panic! It’s tempting to interpret refusal as disrespect, rather fear or distress. Keep your cool.
- Intervene early, as it will improve outcomes.
- Utilize outside support; spouse, teachers, counselors, therapists, etc. You don’t have to do it on your own.
- Be supportive.
For more information about helping your child or teen manage their anxiety reach out to Armstrong Family Counseling, (913) 204.0582 or at ArmstrongFamilyCounseling.com
I’ve had the privilege of working with many different types of people-addicts, veterans, couples, singles and even a few kids. Although they each had individual issues, they each grappled, in some way, with loneliness.
At it’s core, loneliness is about a lack of connection. That connection could have been broken by the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship. Another type of loneliness can occur when a person makes a whole change of environment. Perhaps you moved to a new state for a job or fresh start. Making new friends can take time and that might lead to some lonely days. Loneliness can be weakened or strengthened depending on one’s perspective. Let’s focus on three types of loneliness and take a look at strategies to overcome these types of loneliness.
Loneliness in relationships:
Most of my work is with couples. Couples can lead a lonely existence in a relationship when they don’t feel listened to. Being lonely in a relationship seems odd because we’re with somebody. We share space with that person. But if key ingredients are missing then the feelings of loneliness can and most likely will occur. Communication is a main “relationship” ingredient and if BOTH sides of the couple aren’t willing to work on this skills, that loneliness of not being heard and listened to can lead a spouse or significant other to another person or the end of the relationship.
Typically after an initial session, I email all my couples worksheets on reflective listening skills and creating fair fighting rules in handling disagreements. Bad listening is a learned behavior that perhaps we learned from our parents. We can learn new behaviors to improve our listening abilities. Having fair fighting rules, if you use them, can move a couple from an adversarial relationship (Me, you, win, lose) to learning to fight the problem together and not against each other. These are building blocks in becoming less lonely in a relationship and more connected.
Loneliness in singleness:
Are you single? Do you struggle with loneliness? Maybe not every day, but sometimes? I can relate. I didn’t get married until I was 41 years old. I spent most of my young adult life in single groups and dating sites on the internet hoping to find that one connection that would cure my feeling lonely. When I was 30, I watched a lot of friends get married. I kept asking God when was it going to be my turn to start a family. I wasn’t a hunk, but I’ve always been a nice guy. “Nice guys finish last.“ I felt like that and my loneliness led me to have some incredible pity parties. Me, myself and I showed up and all three of us never made the party better. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and focusing on personal growth areas that I began to change and that brought about a different perspective shift.
My focus took a change to where it wasn’t all about me. My identity wasn’t rooted in desperation to be with someone any more. I found my security as a single person was rooted in my faith and having healthy friendships. I could be independent and happy and still be single. One day I was listening to a guest speaker at my church and he had experienced incredible loss in his life. He had lost his whole family in a massive flash flooding accident? He was the only one that survived. Google: Robert Rogers family and learned how he coped; had appeared on many of the morning talk shows and people asked him how he could go on and survive such a tragic event. He said it was the peace of God that was getting him through it and quoted this verse that changed my life:
Philippians 4:6-7: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Right then the light bulb turned on in my brain. I wanted that peace in my love life. So, at 38 years old, this scripture set me on a new path. I trusted all of my hopes, my dreams and my expectations of being with someone over to God’s care. I had to be at peace whether I married someday or never dated again. What about you? If you’re single, how have you coped with feeling lonely in your singleness? Moping about it and having endless pity parties won’t help. Remember, if you do nothing, nothing changes. Focus on others. Volunteer at your church or a community group. Find social groups that align to your interests and hobbies so you can meet other people. If you need more ideas, reach out to me. I can help because I’ve been there. I would love to help you take the first few steps of finding happiness in being single.
Loneliness in children:
One little documentary was released this summer that captivated the nation if not the world. Won’t You Be My Neighbor? is about Fred Rogers and his passion for making connections. He connected with kids like almost nobody else. He showed them that no matter who they were, they had value. They mattered, and they are loved. He also listened to the children he interacted with. He was genuinely interested in what they had to say. That told them that they had a voice. Most of us have seen Mr. Rogers Neighborhood on PBS when we were younger. The message of Mr. Rogers needs to be repeated over and over. Because many of today’s kids feel like they don’t have a voice except on social media and sometimes that’s a scary place to be. Research continues to show that kids and teens that are constantly on social media and not interacting in person are more prone to loneliness and self esteem issues.
The ills of society have left our kids feeling lonely. Divorce has caused kids pain and hurt and even damaged their thoughts. Often, their hopes are drowned out by the roar of their parent’s anger. Some children become pawns in a game of power play that parents create to get their kids to side with them.
What can we do about this growing epidemic?? Here are a couple of suggestions.
- Interact with your children. Make time to take them on parent-child dates. Trips in the car are valuable for conversation. Listen to them. Get to know you kids interests, hopes and fears. Find out who their friends are and get to know their parents. Have fun with your kids and let them know it’s ok to have feelings, good and bad.
- Be consistent in your own behavior. Follow through with what you say you will do. Model appropriate behavior around your children. Your kids are watching you and they look to you for moral, emotional, structure, and spiritual guidance. If you’re not providing these, the child that gets older can become more susceptible to listening to those voices and examples that do not have their best interests in mind.
Lastly if a child is lonely, we have an incredible opportunity to help them form healthy connections? Do they have someone they can talk to and spend time with like a teacher, friend, relative, mentor or parent? We all need healthy connections and children are not different. This article has just scratched the surface to what some face. Counselors at Armstrong Family Counseling have a wealth of experience to help adults and children cope with loneliness.
For many people, the holiday season truly is the most wonderful time of the year, and for many others, this is an ideal they struggle to achieve. Whether you grew up with great holiday memories, struggling to recreate those experiences as an adult, or you grew up with terrible memories, now attempting to give your new family the opposite, it is not an easy task to achieve family unity and joy during the holiday season. Let’s examine some common obstacles and how to work to overcome them.
It is a common tendency in relationships to resolve issues by ignoring them. Doing so results in the buildup of pain and irritation. This is similar to an untreated infection in the body. Let’s say you fall and scrape your knee, and many unsavory particles make their way deep into your tissue, and instead of cleaning it out, you simply put a bandage over it and ignore it. Over time, infection sets in, and touch becomes sensitive. Eventually, activities as simple as walking will become very difficult, if not impossible. In relationships, the unresolved issues are the infection. Any attempt to discuss those issues brings pain, and any attempt to draw closer together becomes difficult, and perhaps even impossible while the infection in the relationship remains. In these cases, it is recommended to seek relationship counseling. A qualified relationship counselor is skilled in healing conflict, just as a qualified physician in skilled in treating an infection. Resolving the issues removes the barriers to unity and joy in the relationship.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are so deeply loved by many people that any change to these holidays are often seen as wrong, or even heretical. Instead of bickering about which family tradition is correct and which is a mockery, it is better to understand that with the creation of a new family must come the creation of new and unique traditions. Any attempts to recreate past traditions will ultimately end in frustration since there are different people involved, and it is a different generation. Creating a new culture, your family’s culture, the culture your children will forever remember, is a wonderful and rewarding endeavor that has the power to unify the family in a lasting way. This takes time, patience, and the consideration of new ideas. Many families can accomplish this on their own, but if those attempts fail, relationship counseling can be a wonderful tool to help build a strong, unified family culture.
Time is currency in the world today, and anything we desire requires a payment. People have named our age the information age. It is called this because we can now access nearly any information we desire within seconds on a small rectangular device we carry everywhere we go. More than anytime in recorded history, we can manage most of our affairs without getting out of bed. We can pay bills, shop, connect with people, go to school, make money, watch movies, file a lawsuit, renew a prescription, all without even standing up. There is one thing, however, that we cannot do from this small rectangular device, and that is to build strong, healthy relationships. This requires time, time spent engaged with people, time not spent staring at a screen. We can’t approach a relationship the way we monitor social media. The time required to build strong, healthy relationships is not small; it is substantial. Time is currency, and if we don’t pay the full price, the result is like the cheap shirt we buy at the discount store that shows its first tear two weeks after buying it. On the other hand, if we spend substantial time together as a family, and that time is quality, it will be an investment that will pay us back with love and joy for years to come. In summary, the holiday season can be a wonderful time to build strong, healthy relationships if we resolve buried issues, if we create new traditions together, and if we spend large amounts of quality time together. If these attempts fail for any reason, seek a qualified relationship counselor who can help you and your family succeed.
For the millions of Americans who are living with an addiction, learning how to cope with the stress and pressure of getting sober can be overwhelming. Relapses are common, and they can bring a weight of guilt with them, which can in turn lead to more substance abuse. It’s a very difficult cycle to break, but it’s important to figure out the best ways to get healthy in every way–mind, body, and soul–so that you can get back on track without sacrificing everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Fortunately, there are several things you can do to help things fall into place after a relapse. From opening up communication with your family members to practicing meditation and learning how to relax, taking care of yourself is the first priority. Whether that means ridding yourself of guilt and shame or simply learning how to cope with stress, finding out what works for you will help you break the cycle for good.
Keep reading for some great tips on how to feel better and get healthy after a relapse.
Ask for help
It can be very challenging and humbling to ask for help, especially if you’ve already done it once before, but suffering a relapse is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to many individuals who have made a commitment to turn their lives around, and it’s not an indication of failure. The key is to recognize the issue and ask for help as soon as possible so that you may begin rebuilding. Find a counselor, therapist, or group session you can join, or talk to your sponsor or a close family member or friend.
Stress is a major contributing factor to many relapses, so it’s imperative to learn how to cope with those feelings and reduce them. This might mean learning how to say no, finding a way to reduce your task load at work, or working on family issues.
Think about the things that bring you the most stress and how you can effectively make your life easier. In the meantime, you can practice meditation and/or yoga to help break down those feelings. This has long been a benefit for those who are struggling with stress and anxiety. Make sure you have a quiet space to relax in that is free of distractions. You can find out more about creating a meditation space here.
The way you handle your relapse is extremely important. If you feel guilt or shame, it will be nearly impossible for you to move on and make healthy choices, so it’s important to learn how to handle those emotions and how to forgive yourself. This may require the help of a therapist, or you might talk to your friends and family about your struggle. Sometimes, simply being open and honest about what we’re going through is the best way to move on.
Adjust your strategy
It?s always possible to make changes to the way you approach your sobriety, and it’s important to do so if you feel it isn’t working. You might take a look at the people you spend the most time with. Are they supportive? Are there people in your life who abuse drugs or alcohol when you’re around? It can be difficult to make major changes, especially when it comes to your relationships, but it’s critical to make your own health a priority.
Coping with addiction relapse is never easy, and it often takes time to get to the place you want to be in. Try to be patient with yourself during this time, and think hard about the way any changes you make to your lifestyle will affect you down the road. With a good plan, you can get your life back on track.
Constance Ray started Recoverywell.org with the goal of creating a safe place for people to share how addiction has affected them, whether they are combating it themselves or watching someone they care about work to overcome it. The goal is to share stories of hope from survivors who know that the fight against addiction is one worth having, because no matter how it affects you, life can get better.
Living With the Past and Freedom From It?
Our past is host to many memories and stories. Past moments of our lives can bring about a plethora of thoughts and feelings. Some of my most favorite memories are of the many adventures my wife and I have done together. Although I’m grateful that I have a lot of fond memories from my past, I have other memories that are difficult to look at. These memories serve as reminders of my bad choices, disappointment, my sin, and failure. I’m sure that if you’re reading this, there’s a chance that you too have struggled with past moments and situations in your life.
People put on a front and cover up those less than pleasing things when interacting with others. I see these personas when I am at church or out eating and in front of others. We put on our best clothes and our biggest smiles acting like we have it all together. Sometimes we overcompensate by being overly joyful or talking too much. Most people can see right through it, yet we continue the charade of keeping the mask on that tells the world that everything is ok in our life.
I see it when I meet with clients. But a few sessions in, that’s when the mask starts to drop and they begin to reveal that on the inside, they don’t have it all together. Most of their feelings of insecurity, sadness, guilt or shame were rooted in the past. Past behavior, past hurts, and pain. They struggle to live in the present because they are stuck, living in the history of their life. It could be about anything. Perhaps they were fired from a job for making a mistake. Maybe they hid a family secret or even a secret of their own like an addiction or bad relationship.
I recall when I was in college; I attended a support group called Adult Children of Alcoholics. There were people in attendance that were 60 years or older. For the first time in their life, they were dealing with things that impacted them from 30-40 years before. Some of them had been carrying their past on their backs like a heavy bag of boulders that represented their most painful and difficult memories. They became prisoners of those things that preceded their present. There was no freedom to live in the here and now and look forward to the future as long as they were shackled to their heavy load. I had my own heavy bag of memories but when I observed the struggle those people went through, I knew I had to let go of that heavy bag before it became heavier or buried me under the weight. The chains had to drop and I had to find my freedom.
The question then becomes how? How do we let it go? Sometimes we don’t even know what bothers us. Often, the answer is buried under years of repressing and concealment. All we know is that something is causing us pain or emotional insanity. We get to the point of being sick and tired of what we are going through. That might lead us in seeking out extra help like a counselor or a support group. Counseling often stirs things up and one of the consequences of that is that we may feel pain. That’s difficult for most of us. We don’t like to feel pain.
However, it is through the pain that we begin to find a way out. Finding that freedom from our past comes from 2 essential building blocks: Acceptance and forgiveness. We’ll tackle these one at a time.
One the biggest stumbling blocks to moving forward are denial. We deny the reality to what occurred. We make excuses or we self-medicate to avoid acknowledging the truth. Once we can find acceptance, then there is a measure of peace that gives us strength in saying, this happened. Or I did this. There can be no moving forward without this. I have worked with clients that struggled with addiction, PTSD, and were perpetrators to abuse or were victims of someone else’s violence. The first step to their healing began with bravely confronting the past and saying, I will face this, no matter what! What things in your past do you need courage to face?
Michael J. Fox is best known for his role as Alex Keaton on the 80s sitcom Family Ties and the Back to The Future trilogy however in his personal life, he has battled with Parkinson’s disease. He was diagnosed in 1991 and he had to face that his life would never be the same. He had this great thought on acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it. For many of us, after acceptance, the way through to finding freedom from the past points to forgiveness.
There are two kinds of forgiveness: Self-forgiveness and forgiving others. In acceptance, we face reality and what happened. In self-forgiveness, we own the responsibility of what the flaw or mistake was that we committed. I was fired from my first counseling job because I made a mistake. After about 6 weeks of struggling with guilt, self-condemnation and the shame over my actions, I was at my lowest. I had to be broken. In my brokenness, I found some scripture that allowed to me work through that difficult time. They gave me hope for the future. God wasn’t done with me. Perhaps they can help you.
Jeremiah 8:4: Jeremiah, say this to the people of Judah: This is what the Lord says: You know if a man falls down, he gets up again. And if a man goes the wrong way, he turns around and comes back.
Philippians 3:13-14: Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead, I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Self-forgiveness and accepting Gods forgiveness didn’t take away the action or the consequence. But it allowed me to live with what happened. Now when I look back, it is merely an event in my life. I no longer have feelings of guilt and failure. I’ve learned and moved on from it. It no longer holds me as a prisoner.
Johnny Cash once said this about our failures of the past: You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.
We have talked about self-forgiveness but what about forgiving others. When someone has wronged us, forgiveness can be one of the most difficult things we do. For some, it seems impossible and creates a paralysis in even thinking about it and for others; they have tasted a freedom and release of bitterness and hate.
Carolyn Holderread Heggen wrote the book Sexual Abuse: in Christian Homes and Churches. While the book focuses on abuse in the church and home, you can apply her words to your own journey of forgiving others. She writes that offering the offenders forgiveness is not forgetting and it’s not about letting them off the hook. She said that while extending forgiveness is a profoundly spiritual act and can bring spiritual growth, it is not a way of avoiding the pain. It is not done quickly or flippantly to avoid the terror of woundedness.”
So if you’re struggling to come to the point of forgiveness, there is no timetable when such a thing should occur. Talking to a counselor can help to begin this. The author notes that forgiveness “is a process that allows the victim to let go of the intense emotional pain associated with the abuse/offense and replace it with inner resolution and peace.” She indicates that sometimes the abuser may not be repentant and then forgiveness becomes the process of letting go of the pain and bitterness to God’s care.
We must choose forgiveness–either live with it as it begins to burn bitterness and resentment onto our heart or be willing to give our burden over to a higher power. That requires actively exercising our faith by asking God to help us to work through that struggle to forgive. Al-Anon has a saying, “Let go and let God.” When we let go of this burden and place it into Gods care, the transformation begins and like spring bringing new life to the land, so too does God brings us a new life and peace to our heart.
If you are struggling to find freedom and relief from where you are currently at in life or from your past, I can help. Perhaps you are struggling to forgive or maybe you have been in denial on certain things. Contact Armstrong Family Counseling and let us help you begin the road to recovery and independence.